Ugh, can’t even tell what’s real or what’s news anymore.

What’s the opposite of “eating the onion”? I thought this was satire for sure.

“Okay, look, I understand this may be presenting as if I am in a manic episode, I get it. And I get that I have pulled every item from the storage room and am now in the process of reorganizing the entire basement. And yes, it is 3 A.M., but I really don’t see how that is relevant. Honestly, have you considered that I am going to need a lot more space to keep all the wood I just found on the side of the road? I swear, it’s like you don’t support my much-loved woodworking hobby I started 6 hours ago.”

"Oooh, you know what? I’m going to give in and just build an extension to the garage for a new workshop. No, I don’t know how to build anything, but I have resources and it can’t be that difficult. It’ll be done in three days, I really feel like you underestimate just how motivated of a person I am. "

Two weeks later, I’m hyper-ventilating in the fetal position on the floor of my closet when the city cops come out to say something has to be done with the rotting shit-wood awkwardly slapped together and nailed to the side of the garage.

Man, I am so sorry this is your situation. I won’t pretend to really know what advice to give you, other than you should contact adult protective services and see if they can do anything since you are a vulnerable person (aka disabled).

Again, I don’t know shit from fuck, but that’s where I would start. Idk if the cops would take the threat seriously or not, but you might be able to file a restraining order.

I have 8 playlist I’ve been cultivating for like 6 years now, and it’s kind of hard to walk away from that. And I’ll fuck the dirt before I go back and re-make them lol.

Background noise. Also, I can’t do the cool shit that they do.

Yeah, I thought it said “sock” as well!

What happened, most likely, is he screwed it up because he realized he couldn’t say “shame on me” without it being a soundbite on every news outlet. Better to appear dumb than personally apologetic to a national tragedy.

Alright, I’ll bite. Considering they’re a free publication, please enlighten us as to how they could afford to continue to run without ad revenue.

That’s fair, I take back the ancient part… but I’ve seen enough films to know those coins are guarded by malevolent spirits bent on revenge.

Do you want terrible curses brought down upon yourself, your family, and possibly humanity? Cause this is how you get terrible curses brought down upon yourself, your family, and possibly humanity.

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Please… for all that is good… listen to world war z, and the dark tower series.

Space trains fall under a different regulating authority than space stations, unfortunately.

Ah, that checks out. Thanks, Satan’s Maggoty Cum Fart!

Uh…what

It’s my hand, actually.

I will have you know that my neck is only slightly sore from just sleeping.

But he’s not American? Is this a woosh moment for me?