Here in Germany, we celebrate mostly on Christmas Eve. I have a couple of hours left to get ready before my stepdad picks me up. We’ll visit my grandma who sadly has to spend the holidays in hospital because she fell and hurt her knee. After that, Christmas dinner at my mom’s and stepdad’s house with most of the family, gifts and a relaxed evening. I’ll stay over night, have breakfast and then go home to finish packing everything I need for my winter vacation which starts on the 26th.

It’s been an exhausting year and I can really use the downtime.

I have a wishlist that I share with my family and close friends. People follow that list unless they have an idea that they’re 100% sure about. I think the only times I got an unwanted gift was things I already had. Either because something went wrong coordinating between people (rare, everyone knows they can contact my partner to ask what’s still available) or because they accidentally bought the wrong thing (like the first book of a series instead the second one).

The only exception ever was during a single https://givin.gifts/ secret santa exchange where someone at the same time a) completely ignored my profile, b) gifted something below the stated minimum value, c) didn’t wrap my gift, d) didn’t include a card and e) didn’t include any packing material. They just threw a random 5€ item from the supermarket into an unpadded box and called it a day.

German here, we have the same thing (du vs. sie). Our rules may be slightly different than dutch but probably similar enough.

Police: definitely formal unless the officer is someone you know privately.

Shop: usually formal though some hobby-related shops (think GameStop or board games) might prefer informal.

Campsite: probably informal

As a general rule of thumb: informal is used with first names, formal is used with last names. Think about which name you would use in English and go with that. If in doubt, use the formal version or ask.

Never said that, never meant that.

When I said “inner child” I meant his own capability of leaving his adult responsibilities behind for a while in favor of doing things that society as a whole deems childish. Indulging in certain hobbies, acting a certain way. I can’t find the right English word right now. In German we might call it being “unbeschwert”, so maybe “unburdened”.

I was specifically replying to the passage that he should have spent those 13 years in age difference growing as a person to an extent that he shouldn’t have much in common with a 16-year old anymore. And to that I ask: why? Must every adult be a joyless, mindless worker drone who can’t enjoy the things they enjoyed when they were 16? I’m happy to discuss if the relationship OP described might be problematic because of a power dynamic and that’s been done to death in this thread. But saying he isn’t allowed to feel connected to someone younger than him based on shared interests or a need to escape his adult responsibilities for a while feels bitter and judgemental.

None of this has anything to do with me labeling anyone as an actual child.

Edit: Maybe a picture says more than a thousand words so let me link to my favorite XKCD: https://xkcd.com/150/

From my personal experience this “ought to be” is the problem. Once you get your first job, everyone expects you to drop everything that you’re passionate about and start behaving like an adult. That can be overwhelming and I wouldn’t judge anyone for wanting to keep that cozy feeling of being young for a bit longer. And as long as all important responsibilities still get taken care of, why not let adults be as childish as they want, whenever they want?

Oh, don’t get me wrong. It is a bit weird and concerning. But weird and concerning alone are not enough to stop something that’s legal and at least for now seems to work pretty well. And like you said, not much they can do about it. The best course of action is to deal with it, be as accepting and supportive as they can and be prepared to help if things do go wrong. Everything else will make things worse.

So let me summarize:

• He is happy
• She is happy
• He is very open about it and introduced her to you
• She is everything you could wish for (except her age)
• Her parents are aware that she’s dating someone older and are fine with it
• It’s legal
• He doesn’t have a history of abusive relationships
• They have at least some shared interests

And yet you still can’t give this relationship a chance based on the vague feeling that you “just think it’s inappropriate”?

While I agree that an age gap this big - especially if one is only 16 - is a red flag and should be watched carefully, you’re against it for all the wrong reasons. As long as she is safe and they are both happy, give them a chance. Be prepared to step in if - and only if - there are signs of either of them being taken advantage of. Otherwise, support them the same way you would support them if she was ten years older. As long as everything stays healthy and legal, nothing you could say would make them reconsider their relationship. Criticism will only lead to him not telling you about his life anymore. To you not noticing if something does go wrong. To him not feeling comfortable breaking up with her when they are not happy anymore. To her not being comfortable breaking up with him when they are not happy anymore.

Approach this carefully and with empathy. Everything else will alienate you from your son and might drive him to bad decisions.

Dude, what did you do in those 13 years to not grow as a person, ick. I can definitely understand why it would change your perception.

And comments like yours are the exact reason why he probably feels like he must protect his inner child against all odds. From what OP tells us, he has his professional life under control, so let him spend his free time however he wants. See my other comment for details.

They broke up amicably because she wanted marriage and kids, he didn’t.

I think that’s the exact point why he now dates someone much younger than him. Not that she wouldn’t want those things specifically but she is his escape from being an adult. I’ve been there, broke up a relationship when I was 30 for the exact same reasons (no, I didn’t date a teenager afterwards). Being that age is scary, especially these days. You have less and less time for your hobbies, you’re expected to deal with a job, bills, taxes, bureaucracy, family planning, and the future in general. At the same time, even if you’re successful in your job, you have to worry if you’ll ever reach your parents’ standard of living because real estate has become incredibly expensive.

In that phase of life, some people will cling to every opportunity to preserve their inner child. A silly hobby, quirky clothing… or a person around whom you can be immature. For me, the solution was to spend my vacations with a couple of friends who feel the same and just make our own safe space where we can be as immature as we want for a week. For your son, it was getting a girlfriend who is much younger than him. She won’t mind if he acts like a highschooler because she is one herself. He can hang out with her and her friends to stay in that less complicated world for just a few years longer.

He needs that. And he needs you to accept that side of him, even if you don’t accept his relationship. Make sure that when he comes home, it’s okay for him to spend a day on the couch playing video games, watch Disney movies and forget about all his responsibilities.

What? That really shouldn’t be the point for anyone to worry about.

The important thing is to make sure she’s safe. As long as that is guaranteed, everything else is his choice and his responsibility. He is an adult, he is allowed to decide for himself if he cares about what society as a whole and his parents in particular think about him.

Shaming him and pressuring him into leaving her will only make him stick to her even tighter, just to spite everyone else. And that might actually go wrong when the relationship eventually breaks apart and he can’t accept that because he doesn’t have anyone else left.

Well, have you tried asking him why he picked her? Note my choice of words here. Specifically don’t ask him why he didn’t pick someone else but what he likes about her. My personal guesses (!) are: they share an interest in jazz music, they had a good time together at the festival and she doesn’t expect him to act like society imagines “an adult”: she lets him make up for something he missed when he was younger.

About her being hurt: he’s your son, you know him better than we do. Do you think he’s the kind of guy who would do that? If not, look out for signs that it might actually be happening instead of relying on your expectations. Stay in contact with her parents. At the same time, make sure she’s comfortable talking to you. That way you will know if something happens. But please don’t accuse either of them of something that isn’t actually happening.

From your post, I can’t quite decide what worries you most about this relationship… I’ve written and rewritten this comment multiple times because of that.

The usual concern with such an age gap would be that he might take advantage of her and her lack of experience. That’s a valid concern that should be addressed. But It doesn’t seem to be what’s bothering you.

With you starting your post by telling us about his ex who is completely irrelevant to this story and your relationship with her, then later list off how great your son is and that “it’s not like he’s lacking options”… I can’t shake the feeling that your problem is more with him having a partner that could be considered “below his own status”. It feels like you would react just the same if he dated someone closer to his age but not as successful or good-looking. And to that I must say, that’s none of your business. Let your son love whoever he wants to love. Let him make his own decisions and when it comes to it, his own mistakes. They obviously share some interests and he’s old enough to decide if she’s “good enough” for him.

That’s the reason why I like C#, ASP.Net Core and EF Core so much. A simple CRUD app can be written in under 10 minutes and easily deployed in any form from a self-contained binary to a docker container to whatever eldritch horror lurks behind Azure or k8s. Personally, I run docker swarm mode for my stuff because it makes automated deployment super easy, kind of like a leaner k8s but if I wanted, I could just drop a binary on any windows, linux or macOS machine without needing to install any major dependency apart from my database.

Edit: of course, ASP.Net Core has its downsides too. Especially when it comes to auth stuff. I wish I could have something as simple as devise + cancancan in old versions of Rails.

36 / M / Germany

Pretty much spot on.

They don’t owe you anything. Not sex, not a kiss, not a hug, not a second date, not even a smile. If the date goes well, you will get some or even all of those but if you try to force them, you will get nothing. Sure it can be disappointing if you put in a lot of effort and get nothing back but you will have to live with that. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible and sometimes a date just goes wrong because of a weird coincidence.

Be nice, even if the date doesn’t go as you wanted. Open communication goes a long way and chances are that the person you’re talking to is just as insecure as you are. Explain (not accuse) why you don’t think this situation will work out. If you’re lucky, you can turn the conversation around. If not, at least you’re ending the date in a civil way. That also (and especially) applies to talking on online dating platforms. Sometimes you can tell just from a conversation that things won’t go anywhere. Way too many people just drop the conversation and move on which can feel pretty rude. Be nice, explain what’s up, give them a friendly goodbye and then move on.

Those rules apply to both sides. You don’t owe them anything either, especially if they get rude. You should still try to be friendly in case there is a misunderstanding but try to get yourself out of an uncomfortable situation before it gets worse. Your safety is still priority number one.

Edit: some more

Don’t expect a relationship to last. Chances are it won’t. But this isn’t as pessimistic of a tip as you might expect. Even a single day of joy can be worth it if you manage your expectations. I’ve had a relationship crash and burn after seven years, I’ve had ones that lasted a couple of months and I’ve had someone ghost me after the second date. And still, all of them gave me amazing memories that I wouldn’t want to miss and they helped me grow as a person. Allow things to grow on their own and enjoy the process. Maybe you will marry that person. Maybe you’ll date them for a few months or years. Maybe you will never get past second base but stay platonic friends. Maybe you will spend the most amazing day of your life with them and then never see them again because you accidentally spilled something over their favorite t-shirt.

Sure. I use it as a structured place to keep notes on anything that may be important later, not specifically tasks:

• Important people in my life (friends and family) with a short bio, where we met, favorite food, allergies, ideas what I could get them for their birthdays, links to their social media profiles, plans for shared vacations, maybe a few photos.
• Recipes from all kinds of sources. If they are from a video or one of those “scroll past three pages of sentimental nonsense” sites, I summarize them and translate them into German with metric units.
• Lists with interesting links about 3D printing, software development and so on. Keeping these in a wiki instead of just my browser’s bookmarks list allows me to better categorize them and add notes.
• A list of open questions and project ideas that I can’t research right now like “Where is the best place to get custom printed LEGO minifigs?” and “Why do the zfs drives in my home server sometimes have problems waking up from sleep?”
• Lists of interesting products/books/movies/… that I might buy/read/watch/… at some point
• Some writing stuff: D&D campaigns, short stories, diary-like entries
• A list of all computers in my household with hardware specs, operating system and so on

All of those get put into categories and the categories are displayed on the main page via the categorytree plugin. The nice thing about having a wiki is that you have a lot of options for linking or embedding related content while still keeping it somewhat organized.

Last week I found out that there are off-brand batteries for my DSLR cameras that can be charged directly through USB-C so I don’t have to pack a different charger for every camera. Let that sink in!

Overall pretty great, in a pinch I can charge my laptop on a Nintendo Switch power supply. Now if I could just upgrade the last few remaining Micro-USB and Lightning devices without spending a fortune…

Polarion. Wouldn’t recommend it but it’s what my employer wants me to use.

For personal stuff, I use a private MediaWiki instance (same software that runs Wikipedia) as my external brain.

There are 36 million Ukrainians. I doubt you’ll find any property that they all have in common, except for being humans.

Honestly, that was the option I had hoped for when I made that joke. I‘m happy for you.