(Bogota, Colombia) After several difficult exchanges between the trump administration and Colombia, the gloves are off - the President of Colombia, Gustavo Petro, has announced 75% export tariffs on all cocaine leaving the country for America. This tariff, a tax to be paid on all cocaine headed to the US or with the US as its final destination, goes into effect immediately. With the increased cost, supplies are beginning to dwindle in the US; Republicans are outraged at the news.

“This is an outrage, this is unfair,” screamed the president, searching desperately through his desk for something. “This is… this is an outrage,” he repeated. “To think that… the thing… they can’t be placing… totally unfair!” This sudden response has been seen throughout the republican establishment, or at least in its members that matter.

“I for one support the president and his agenda,” said a confused Mitch McConnell, being wheeled through the capitol. “What? Cocaine? Do you have any cocaine? Oh, you’re a reporter? Then you probably don’t have any.”

McConnell, once referred to by a political rival as “Cocaine Mitch,” has been falling down stairs repeatedly in the recent week, for reasons totally not related to this story.

“But you don’t have any, though,” he added.

Surprisingly, Colombian cartels are pleased with the measure, as the tariffs will be collected, administered, and managed by the international smuggling cartels of the country. One member commented, on condition of anonymity, “it’s hard not to support good trade policy like this. I was going to, like, buy an island with all the extra money, but with all that ice melting, I kinda think I will buy the higher parts of Florida and wait.”

Economists, asked whether US production of cocaine could cover domestic demand, were surprised. “Our funding is stopped, and I have an interview at Starbucks in 10 minutes,” said one. “The US can reap what it sows.”

We can only wait to see if that reaping includes cocaine.